Heaven and Hell

Heaven and Hell

I would write a poem about it (and might still), but it would be completely impenetrable and I don't really have time before my odd work shift today.

This is just a quick scratch of the surface. Before last Saturday night, in my entire life, I would avoid sin because it existed in my mind as an abstract 'bad' separating me from God. I would live virtuously because it existed in my mind as an abstract 'good.' When I would sin, I would pray a prayer for forgiveness and move on. In all honesty, though, I found temptation particularly overpowering because it was abstract terms against abstract terms, and there was no distinction between mortal or venial sins, leading to a sort of despair/disillusionment and spiritual slothfulness.

On Monday, I sinned in a big way (not in the worst way I ever have, but it was still bad), and it shocked me how different everything was. I'm living a new life. After the chrism oil anointing and the Church's welcoming service, sin is a very specific stab in Jesus' side now, and it is a very specific separation from God. There's this indescribable horror, pain, and sorrow upon sinning, mostly (imperfectly and initially) in knowing that I can't partake in His Body in a state of mortal sin. It is a literal separation from God's life that can be felt in tangible pangs. -Hell.

On the flip-side of that topic (since there have been many questions and little time for me to blog), the Mass truly is and was heaven, and at the Easter Vigil I experienced it as such. There is very little that can be said to explain the actual experience or the emotional high all bound together; one of the most central and poignant realisations is that you are finally giving honour to and partaking in our Lord's Body and Blood, finally walking that path as Christians have for thousands of years, finally being united in the literal Communion of the saints. The accidence of Wine brought literal warmth to my mouth as I knelt there looking at the large crucifix with the image of our Lord, filled with love. 'Welcome home,' everyone said, and it is.

-Rick