A. Last Things
Allegedly, we had a tornado blow through town to-day, despite my need to write a research paper. Human energy vibrated everywhere; all the persons in the apartment building lined the hall and made noise, and some of us congregated at my patio door to watch it blow in. The sirens went off, places and things became slightly violent for awhile, we retreated indoors, and eventually the other side of the storm blew in. We humans came out all right on the other side.
It's about time for things to be finished here. Despite almost losing my mind (literally) on a few occasions as well as wondering if I could keep on 'keeping on' in these nominally helpful studies, praise God our Father, the other side has finally blown in. There are still assignments to be finished - and there is always room for practise in the virtues of patience, courage, and humility - but I can already feel the gentler side of the storm easing this way. It will be good to complete this chapter.
B. First Things
Besides being an interesting periodical, it's about time for healthy daily rubrics. My mental processes have gradually unravelled, on and off again, in each semester, in the last three-and-a-half years. Part of the relief of the end of this chapter is the ability to have time to evaluate and affix a daily routine - prayer, work, writing, etc.; this will be a respite and a chance to refocus my energies. In this next chapter of life, hopefully, I can begin the practise of living in ritual health so as to be able to live healthily even in the stressful times.
I'm also becoming aware of the need to be faithful and finish work that is started. After finishing up this graduate work and taking a well-earned sabbatical (that is, with a hopeful restoration of healthy mental processes), I'm probably going to try to finish up the 'Reasons to Not Become Catholic' entry series, as well as the 'Masculine Principle' series, the 'Orthodox Economics' series, etc. This may or may not be done on Xanga, and it may or may not be a quick or efficient process. In any case, I'm not good at apologetics and really don't have a lot of interest in apologetic material, but with a few more considerations and a lot of editing, I've just about written an apologetic book with the 'Reasons to Not Become Catholic' entry series - and might as well finish it up. It would be good to bring things to completion.
C. and a Monastery
It's difficult to describe the mystical ways in which things sometimes mesh - the texture of a person's very existence meshing with a certain lifestyle, the simultaneous and subconscious offering and accepting of certain kinds of relationship, and so forth. I met up with friends last weekend at a vocational retreat at St. Bernard Abbey, having no idea what to expect. As it turns out, we lived with the monks as the monks do: we slept in our cells, woke up early to sing the Office, had meals with them, etc. I had the mystical experience of 'meshing' - noticing elements (previously unrecognised and/or unappreciated) that the lifestyle evoked in my person, and noticing in bold new ways how I could serve Christ and His Church in this capacity. Brother Jacob (one of the monks) pulled me aside from the group to talk to me, and he said that he was profoundly convinced (from his observing me that weekend) that I have a vocation to the monastic life. Very strange things.
This is not to say that I've made the decision to be a monk at St. Bernard, or even to be a monk at all. I presently have several debts upon which to make restitution, and it will be at least another year before I can join any monastery. Perhaps a saint or true disciple or whatever would 'let the dead bury their own dead', but I would rather be faithful to previous obligations before making new ones on such short notice. However, this whole event has intrigued me, to say the least; if I should prayerfully consider marriage or the priesthood as a vocation in the service of God (and I should), all the more I should prayerfully investigate a vocation that I have found initially appealing and within which I have been given a testimony of sorts.
-r
